Political satire that rhymes.

Tuesday, June 06, 2006

Star-Spangled Banner, Redux

W has had quite a busy few weeks
Focusing on the country's priorities
Not the Iraq War, but classified leaks
Not global warming, but barring minorities

And lately two issues he considers to be burning
Abolishing the estate tax for the country's wealthiest, plus
The amendment banning gay marriage for which he is yearning
Over these two policies he is making quite a fuss

Another significant matter that caught his attention
Was that radio was playing the national anthem in Spanish
This controversy allowed him to display his full comprehension
Of the country's most urgent problems and how to make them vanish

But since it is in my nature to lend a helping hand
I re-wrote the anthem in English with a little update
It offers a tribute to the era of Bush's command
And a metaphor for the flag while the US is in its current state:


O say, can you see, by the oil fields' eerie light,
What so greedily Exxon hail'd at Shock and Awe's first shelling?
Whose crude oil and gas reserves, thro' the aerial fight,
O'er CNN we watch'd, the reason for the war Bush was selling?
And the Tomakawk Cruise missiles' white flare, the unmanned drones in the air,
Gave proof to the world that we are not humane nor are we fair.
O say, does petroleum and gas yet hold sway
O'er the land of the tax-free inheritance and the home of the anti-gay?

Monday, June 05, 2006

Alberto's Principles

A funny thing happened in the Department of Justice this week
Alberto Gonzales used an interesting technique
On principle, he threatened to resign
And what forced him to take this hard line?
The possibility of being forced to return
Documents the FBI had seized in a corruption concern
Congressmen complained that the executive branch
Had acted as if they had carte blanche
And violated the separation of powers
By searching a Congressman's office in the wee hours

Although a number of things about this scenario are amusing
One item stands out as the most confusing
Just when and where did Gonzales acquire his strict morals?
I thought he was AG because of his spineless opportunistic laurels
I mean, when I think of Alberto the first thing I think of
Is his torture memo filled with brotherly love
U.S. torture laws do not apply to enemy combatants he concluded
And Geneva Convention provisions could be excluded
As obsolete in this new war against terror
He just wanted to make the playing field fairer

His principles also seemed to be missing
When about his Texas days one begins reminiscing
When W's DUI was about to be exposed
Alberto made sure it was not disclosed
He also did some very important work
As a summary writer of death penalty cases clerk
He advocated frying a mentally retarded man
And ignored the Vienna Convention to execute a Mexican
While a justice on the Texas Supreme Court
From Enron and insurance companies he accepted support
While overseeing cases they had before him
His campaign coffers they filled to the brim

But it's good to see Senor Up-By-His-Bootstraps make good
I mean, he's the first Hispanic AG it's understood
And of course he was appointed to hear a minority voice
So his views on immigration should be something to rejoice
Surely on this issue we'll see that moral fiber
But it turns out that to every aspect of Bush's plan he's a subscriber
Just as he lied to Congress about the domestic program of spying
Wants to prosecute journalists and whistle blowers for information supplying
He seems to be on the same side as Bush on every possible question
Maybe now I've discovered the key to his principled discretion
At first Alberto's principled stand didn't seem to fit with reality
Turns out Bush's desires are the basis of all of Alberto's morality

Tuesday, May 30, 2006

Global Warming "Uncertainties"

W would have us all believe that global warming is an anti-business tactic of fear
Yet its a given that burning fossil fuels (coal, oil and gas) releases carbon dioxide into the atmosphere
Gigatons of coal are burned to boil water for steam which turn turbines to create electricity for our giant homes and workplaces
Oil and gas are consumed by driving our cars to various and sundry places
Now, here is where greenhouse gases (such as CO2) come into play
According to the laws of physics, earth must reflect the same amount of energy it receives for it's balance to stay
But CO2 (created by burning fossil fuels) lets the sun's powerful rays pass through apace
Yet at lower elevations CO2 impedes Earth's radiation reflection back out to space
That's why the Earth's surface must be warmer to radiate back enough heat
So, if there's more CO2, more heat is blocked, and Earth must heat itself a little more to compete
Places like Greenland have white surfaces -- glaciers and snow
And white surfaces are great reflectors of radiation -- that we all know
In order to get the earth back in balance these reflectors have to melt
We've seen it already -- all around each polar belt
Melting these giant pieces of ice may then interfere with the Gulf Stream
Then, we'll know even greater changing of the entire world's climate scheme

So far 250 million acres of sea ice have melted in the Arctic Ocean
By 2080 the Northwest Passage will be more than just a hopeful notion
It's expected that the whole Arctic Ocean will be ice free
And oceangoing trade from Northern nations can pass uninhibitedly
Unfortunately, that spells extinction for polar bears, walruses, seals and caribou
And with no North Pole, what are the Inuit, the elves and Santa Claus supposed to do?
Not only Arctic ice, but other land glaciers are expected to disappear
If you haven't been to Montana's Glacier National Park -- you better go within the year
Because Montana's and Alaska's glaciers are retreating so quickly
That Montana's park will have to be re-named by the year 2030
If the ice sheets in the Antarctic and Greenland continue their collapse until they are liquid
Oceans will rise up to 35 feet and Pacific island nations and the Maldives will be gone for good
We've already lost the Golden Toad of Costa Rica and caused many coral reef decimations
And we're in the process of losing all sorts of alpine species as they migrate up to the last of the cooler elevations
Warmer air holds more water, which means more rain, which means more floods and wet area
That's great for mosquitos and the vast spreading of malaria
And maybe this is just a footnote in the oncoming disaster, but of particular concern to me
Is that shellfish can't calcify in warmer waters, spelling the end of the wonderful taste of white wine paired with oysters from the sea

So that gets us to a critical point where we now need to discuss the saddest part of the whole global warming mess
That would be that the nation burning the most carbon is being led by imbeciles in this time of distress
There's Jim Inhofe, Republican Senator from Oklahoma, a gas and oil state
He gave a brilliant speech in the Senate on "science" in the global warming "debate"
Inhofe declared global warming the greatest hoax on the American people of all time
He and other Republican senators treat scientists issuing global warming warnings as a crime
And Inhofe used sci fi writer Michael Crichton as the authority he most frequently cited
Inhofe didn't mention that on the debate's other side, Nobel prize winners, Stephen Hawking and all credentialed international climate scientists were united
Inhofe might want to consider his own state's history
Has he never heard of the environmental degradation that caused the Dust Bowl and the California-bound Okie?
Like Inhofe, all of the global warming deniers are financed by businesses like General Motors, Exxon Mobil and Peabody Coal
They spent $13 million to defeat the treaty at Kyoto and put words in the mouths of pseudo scientists on their payroll
Their scientists are metaphorically the same ones who couldn't find a link between tobacco and lung cancer
W, Cheney and Trent Lott are all likewise on board with the global warming of the necromancer
W keeps saying he will act when the science is complete; he believes there are still "uncertainties"
But uncertainty never seems to bother him when it comes to invading countries for possibly having WMDs
I can see why mass extinctions and the end of civilization may not be worthy of mention
Securing oil access and ensuring wealth for his cronies are the first matters for his attention
Trent Lott was another Kyoto enemy deriding "free riders" like China, India, Korea and Mexico
But that argument makes no sense to anyone in the know
Industrialized nations got rich while creating all of the pollution
Now Lott commands poor nations to equally share the cost of the solution
Dick Cheney and his secret Energy Committee have been behind a lot of energy calamities
Like Enron, where energy traders gloried in destroying California utilities
In his latest fun energy project, Cheney is working with coal industry hired gun Quin Shea
Together, their goal is deleting all references to CO2 as a polluter in documents generated by the EPA
That way, coal businesses may be insulated from lawsuits demanding that they pay for the destruction they cause
Showing that the coal, gas and oil industries are fully aware that global warming destruction lawsuits will one day give them pause
But first they'd like to reap a few more decades of record profits, such is their greed
Burning their remaining reserves surpasses everyone else's (and the Earth's) need

One last footnote about atmospheric damage and the ozone hole
In 1987, the U.S. became a signatory to the Montreal Protocol
Despite Dupont Chemicals campaign and idiots in the Reagan cabinet
The public saw the danger and limits on CFCs were met
That's why the hole in the ozone layer has diminished today
And we're not dead of cancer and blind from a UV ray

Maybe it's time to call for leadership at least as intelligent as that of the Reagan years
Some people may be able to move to Canada, buy a beach house on Nova Scotia and so they have no global warming fears
But as for the rest of us, we are in for terrible times in just a few decades
Unless carbon dioxide emissions are limited quickly, and in spades
I'm tired of W who may prefer to view back-to-back high category hurricanes and melting ice caps as Acts of God against heathen forsakers
Every sensible person and all scientists know that global warming is real and we are the weather makers
Anyway, what is the big downside of meeting the Kyoto limits on carbon that is burned
Is it fair that an American consumes as much as 99 Bangladeshis, as the UN has learned
We could do with a little less and also embrace solar and wind power
In that manner, we could avert catastrophe and save the hour
But first we have to break the grip of our neo-con leaders and their energy business puppeteers
Before Canada becomes balmy, Australia becomes the next Sahara and the world as we know it disappears
The very rich few might be able to buffer themselves against this oncoming catastrophe
But the brunt of the problems of disease, flooding, and refugees (ala Katrina) will be borne by people like you and me

Friday, May 26, 2006

The Transparent Swing Voter Pandering Hustle

In Tel Aviv they do the hora
The hula in Bora Bora
Merengue is performed in the Dominican Republic
The Irish jig by a red-headed mick
Argentinians do the sexy tango
And in Spain, they do the fandango
The Japanese geishas entertain with a fan dance
It's the can can in the bordellos of France

And here in the Beltway there's a new dance craze
We've seen it everywhere these last few days
It's called the transparent swing voter pandering hustle
It requires no finesse, talent, principles, intelligence or muscle
So it's perfect for the likes of our leaders
Who are the most avid of poll readers

Hillary does her own version combining a few movements
It's sort of a two step where she displays her old-fashioned values by her "youth don't know what work is" laments
Then she performs a 180 degree turn and does a liberal kick
By co-opting Al Gore's environmental concerns schtick

Senator Bill Frist is another pandering hustle dance hall king
His style could be called kiss-the-ass-of-the-religious-right-wing
And is informed by a right side in only (before you shake it all about) version of the bunny hop
There is almost nothing in his presidency pursuit at which he will stop
Although a bona fide doctor, he could not rule out that AIDs through tears and sweat can be transmitted
And he proclaimed Terri Schiavo alert -- his Lazarus for the evangelically committed

Well, I for one would like it if the swing voter pandering hustle craze would just end
Bring back the macarena -- even that dance is less irritating than this trend!

Ehhhh, Macarena!

Wednesday, May 24, 2006

The Lost Code

So, tonight is the big Lost season finale
Against The Others and behind the passengers all viewers will rally
However, I suggest that we reconsider this position
In light of the USA and its current condition
The DaVinci Code has led us to suspect institutional conspiracy
And the administration and the religious right teach us to distrust scientific empiricy
Combining these two factors in an unreasoned mash-up
I see propaganda ala the Soviet era in the Lost airline crash-up
If you watch closely, I think you will see
That the financiers of Lost have been playing you more than subliminally
Here's my theory, just one among many
Lost is financed by the Arizona Militias and it's meant to foster support for an America that's immigrant free
Yes, the militia men may look silly with their camouflage, binoculars and lawn chairs
But behind that stupid sunburned butt head lies a mind that could manipulate all of us unawares
So, be careful when you watch tonight and keep in mind the following evidence
The Others might actually be the good guys, and you're on the wrong side of the fence
As I see it, the island represents the wonderful American utopia
Which would be perfect except for the racial cornucopia
The Others are, of course, the island "natives" corresponding to the Redskins
Zeke pointed this out to Sawyer, Locke and Jack when he recounted their "home invasion" sins
And what was the nice white boys' reaction to Zeke's complaint?
Start an army and exterminate those wearing warpaint
And The Others are not the only impure problem
There are many more related issues of the survivors' among them
Did you notice all the problems with the Hispanics?
Hurley is representative of his kind because he's fat and buys lottery tix
And Ana Lucia has that fiery Latin temper that gets her in trouble a ton
Plus she's a ho in spandex that slept with Sawyer for a gun
What do you suppose we are meant to think about this?
Other than that Hispanics don't belong in a utopian metropolis
And the black folk on the island I would hardly call sound
I mean, Michael is a murderer and Eko comes from a violent Nigerian background
It's just like on Desperate Housewives where the one black family brought down the value of the real estate on Wisteria Lane
Are those Arizona Militiamen behind all of ABC's programming, or am I taking too seriously what is really inane?
Anyway, back to Lost and on to those sneaky Asian characters and their mind-fuck inscrutability
Why can't they just be straight forward like you and me?
That Hanso Foundation guy looks Asian to me although he says he's Danish
And just like an Asian, he's confusing us with some scientific gibberish
Then there's that troubled Korean couple Jin and Sun
Like all Koreans apparently, he's a male chauvinist pig and never has fun
Sun is a nice little toss to the red-blooded American Asiaphile
But, with the caveat that all that petite beauty and subservience may not be worthwhile
One episode indicated that Sun may not have been true
Jin shoots blanks, and Sun is pregnant, and one plus one equal two
Again, there is lateral evidence that Asians are sneaky on Fox's show 24
On 24's season finale two nights ago Jack was last seen beaten up by Chinese and left to suffer on a ship's floor
On that episode, we heard one of the Chinese say, "The Chinese have wong memowy"
Leaving us to ponder ancient Chinese secrets until January 2007 and meanwhile, avoid eating kim chee
This leads me to believe that Fox and even Rupert Murdoch may be on the Arizona Militias' payroll
How far does this trail lead? Somewhere in the future (or past) is there a grassy knoll?
Finally, there are the two bi-racial couples who are getting punished by God for ignoring his plan
Shannon hooked up with Sayid and ended up on the wrong end of a shotgun for being with a Middle Eastern man
Rose was dying of cancer for marrying Bernard
God has given her a temporary reprieve, but I'm sure He will come down on her later, and hard
Finally, I see a little international intrigue when it comes to Rousseau and Henry Gale
Rousseau symbolizes France -- isolated, arrogant, fair weather ally, a little insane, and will ultimately fail
As for Henry Gale -- he stands in for the efficacy of America's war on terror
He is whisked to a secret detention center and tortured and the torturers were never in error
They knew he was one of The Others and his capture and confession were necessary
The parallel lesson is -- Thank God for the xenophobic protection of the NSA, CIA and American military
Now, you may think my Arizona Militia conspiracy is a little contrived and overwrought
But just be careful when you watch Lost tonight and consider what you might be unconsciously taught!

Monday, May 22, 2006

Voting Is Crap

I'm a socially and environmentally aware citizen!
I'll vote, march and assemble for anything -- just tell me when!
I'll be there with my righteous indignation
Only advise me of the nearest subway station
Because using non-renewable resources to get there would be bad
Unless I drive a car that burns ethanol -- another virtuous fad
I can ignore the fact that ethanol burns a ton of fuel to create it
Because then I couldn't feel all smug, responsible and shit
I think I'll wear my Patagonia polar fleece and hat
Synthetic materials are where it's at!
Everyone knows Patagonia is an eco-friendly company
People will be impressed when they see me
And screw the notion that synthetic clothing factories ruin the scenery
It's best to ignore anything that doesn't fit with my greenery
I should stop and get a snack at Whole Foods -- where all good people shop
Down with those morally inferior folks who can only afford to eat Costco and Safeway slop
So, what are we marching for today?
Against the war in Iraq -- hooray!
Because if I stand outside the White House, I'm sure all the neo-cons will listen
Or at least I can tell my grandchildren and all my liberal friends I was there then
And that's just as good, really
A fiction totally fulfills me
And I can't wait for the next campaign season
I'll tell myself I can make a difference -- against all reason
So what if you need $100,000 to get in the game
I choose to believe all votes are equal -- exactly the same
What? PACs and corporate lobbyists have already chosen the candidate
That's okay -- I'll still vote the Democratic slate
I want to wear my "I voted/Yo vote" pin
Not voting would be a major sin
All the propagandists and my third-grade teacher say so
So I really must do my civic duty and go
Remember "Florida" where the lesson was that all votes matter
That's why there was all that recount chatter
Or was the lesson that insiders ultimately decide
Did W have Jeb and the Supreme Court on his side?
Still, I'll play along, no matter all evidence that I matter to the contrary
I know the Dems will field a really good candidate, or at least as good as Kerry
And there's a big difference between the Republicans and the Democrats
It's not just one powerful group of insiders wearing two hats
Maybe they are the same on defense spending, Israel, benefits for the wealthy, and corporate welfare . . .
But let's get back to matters about which I really care?!
My leaders say that if I don't vote, then I have no right to complain
If I don't help create the sunshine, then I can't complain of rain
An act of futility (my vote) is what I give in exchange for political sway
I'm sure if I show up to vote like a good citizen, then things will start to go my way
You can believe a vote is a really powerful thing in an idealized democracy
But until I have a spare $100,000 -- at the voting booth you will not see me!

My Favorite W Appointees

My Favorite Appointees (with apologies to The Sound of Music)

Claude Allen, Bush's top domestic policy adviser
Stole from Hecht's and Target thinking none would be the wiser
After his arrest, he decided to resign
Using the original "I need to spend time with my family" line

When the Iraqi civilians die
When the glaciers melt
When I'm feeling sad
I simply remember my favorite Bush appointees
And then I don't feel so bad

Michael Brown, the former head of FEMA
Left 25,000 people trapped in flooded NOLA
The poor performance was a surprise when you look at his qualification
After all, he worked (and got fired by) the Arabian Horse Association

When the detainees are tortured
When my phone is tapped
When I'm feeling sad
I simply remember my favorite Bush appointees
And then I don't feel so bad

George C. Deutsch, 24-year old NASA public affairs appointee
His mission was to promote intelligent design and prevent NASA global warming research from reaching you and me
He had the hubris to keep a NASA scientist away from the media and edit works regarding the big bang theory
Tho he had power over rocket scientists, it turns out he lied on his resume about graduating from Texas A&M -- he barely had a high school degree

When the levees break
When the Halliburton subsidiaries "misplace" $100 million
When I'm feeling sad
I simply remember my favorite Bush appointees
And then I don't feel so bad

Now some of my favorites are the stellar judicial nominees
Bush decided to scuttle the tradition of having candidates ABA-vetted and instead listen to his expert gut and his cronies
And what sort of candidates would pass under such muster?
The legal stars of the country, of the most extraordinary intellectual lustre
The Supreme Court nominee, Harriet Miers, W flatterer-in-chief
She didn't know Constitutional law, but in her resided Bush's trust and belief
And now there are two right wing appellate court candidates that were found to be unqualified by the Bar
But ABA approval takes a back seat to other qualifications -- Mike Wallace worked for Trent Lott and Brett Kavanaugh worked for Kenneth Starr

When more tax cuts for the wealthy are enacted
When soldiers' deployments are extended
When I'm feeling sad
I simply remember my favorite Bush appointees
And then I don't feel so bad

Now I've heard there are two Young Republican power couples in town
They somehow slip beneath the radar, but their exploits deserve renown
David and Jennifer Safavian and Julie Myers and John Wood
They all remind me of The Little (Connected) Engine That Could
David was busy taking golf trips with Abramoff and, in return, helping him procure federal property through his job at OMB
Meanwhile, Jennifer, David's wife, was chief counsel for Republicans on the House Government Reform Committee
With that oversight job she was in the perfect position to advise her own husband of the problem with such a golf trip, or to turn him in
Yet this blatant act of corruption was somehow overlooked by David's corruption expert and attorney next-of-kin
With no immigration experience, 36-year old Julie Myers was appointed to head the agency for immigration and customs enforcement -- another Bush gaffe
A little sinecure with a $4 billion dollar budget for a good Republican with a famous uncle -- Richard Myers, head of the Joint Chiefs of Staff
And guess who Ms. Myers husband is? Another Bush loyalist, shall we say
Currently, John Wood works for Chertoff but has the offices of Clarence Thomas and Boeing General Counsel Michael Luttig on his resume

When the demagogues rant about homos and values
When Bush reminds me that he's the decider
When I'm feeling sad
I simply remember my favorite Bush appointees
And then I don't feel so bad

Now this is one of my absolute favorites
Bush had a dear friend in St. Louis, Stephen Brauer, with absolutely no wits
Raising half a million for the Republicans negated the fact that he was dumb
So Brauer got his political appointment -- Ambassador to Belgium
Unfortunately, Brauer was an avid car collector and a Nazi staff car was his pride and joy
He didn't understand why he was recalled when the Belgians didn't indulge him driving the streets of Brussels in his favorite swastika'd toy

When the Arizona militias roam
When John Walker Lindh is scapegoated
When I'm feeling sad
I simply remember my favorite Bush appointees
And then I don't feel so bad

And the latest Bush appointee exposing himself to ridicule
Alphonso Jackson, head of HUD, a Texas graduate of the Bushie school
To an audience of Texas business leaders, he told an amusing "anecdote"
About how you don't get a government contract if on Bush you do not dote
"It was just an illustration of how things work in Washington," was his rebuttal
I salute Alphonso's honesty, but shouldn't a cabinet secretary be a little more subtle?

When the U.S. ignores Darfur
When the neo-cons plan an Iranian war
When I'm feeling sad
I simply remember my favorite Bush appointees
And then I don't feel so bad

And lest we forget -- there was potential head of Homeland Security, Bernard Kerik
Although Kerik was a total jackass with a litany of issues, Bush was very positive about this pick
After all, Kerik gave a pro-W speech at the Republican convention and did a tour in Iraq where he fought (or taught?) police force petty corruption
Plus, like Cheney, Kerik bounced back from bankruptcy through government contracts to enter multi-millionairedom
Yes, Kerik once was down and out, but then from obscurity he was plucked by Giuliani
By pushing Kerik, both could make a lot of money through Taser International and Giuliani Partners, as experts in security
But in the end, Kerik had to withdraw because of extramarital affairs and failure to pay social security taxes for the domestic
He joined Zoe Baird, Kimba Wood and Linda Chavez to reinforce the point that enrichment via public office is okay, but not paying taxes for the help is unforgivably sick

When Guantanamo secrets are revealed
When the secret detention sites are exposed
When I'm feeling sad
I simply remember my favorite Bush appointees
And then I don't feel so bad

Finally, there is Bush's first brilliant selection
The man he stood with for his election
Dick Cheney, worth $100 million from a few years of work at Halliburton
But there was no conflict of interest for $9 billion in bids to reconstruct Iraq -- that much is certain
Now, Cheney has minimized his exposure with respect to his money
And he's been forgiven for shooting his friend -- many viewed the incident as merely funny
But what about the Plame affair -- will Scooter take the fall?
Or will Cheney have to finally answer for something after all
In the end, he might be valuable to keep around and in the loop
'Cuz he might be the only Bush crony intelligent enough to chronicle for the history books the W administration's bizarre inside scoop

When the dog bites
When the bee stings
When I'm feeling sad
I simply remember my favorite Bush appointees
And then I don't feeeeel soooooo baaaaad!

 

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